My Mama Was My First Client

Today my mother would be 82. 

My mom was my first client.

Yeah I know I call myself an erotic healer, blah blah blah, but the actual work I'm doing here is soul transformation: in the case of my clients, helping them transition into the erotic & sexual life they want to have; in the case of my mother, helping her transition into the life of an Ancestor.

She was diagnosed with cancer in 1999 & then went into remission.  In 2001 she was told that the cancer was back & that she had less than 6 months. She signed up for an experimental trial and was told that if her numbers didn't change after the first month, they would discontinue the medication. I was with her for the first checkup.  Before telling her the results of the blood test, the doctor asked her whether she thought the medication was working. My mom replied, "No", and the doctor confirmed that her "numbers" (to this day I still don't know what that means) hadn't changed. Mama went into a coma 2 days later & died within the week. 

I set up a Transition Atmosphere in my childhood bedroom—where home hospice decided to put her—with soothing lights & healing music & faint incense. I sat with her & held her hand. I read Final Gifts, an invaluable book sent to me by my boss. I listened as she screamed my name as a nurse performed a procedure so painful that it jolted her back to awareness (and after I plotted crushing her remaining pills & feeding them to her—we'd started a conversation about assisted suicide before she went into a coma). I took care of myself as well: I went to therapy, I soaked at the women's bathhouse, I got massages. The night before she died I sat up with her all night & told her that I would respect what I recognized as her desire to not have me witness her death.

I learned so many things at her bedside that inform my work as a healer. It was at her bedside that I got how loving touch actually heals. It was at her bedside that I learned how to set a sacred container that engages all the senses no matter whether or not all the senses are perceptible to observers. It was at her bedside that I learned how much loving touch can communicate absent of words. It was at her bedside that I learned how to be present with intention & love while knowing I was essentially powerless to affect the outcome; all you can affect is this moment right here, right now. At her bedside is where I learned that the client's wishes (to not have me witness her dying moment) supersede my own (to desperately want to be with her until the very, very end).

At her bedside is also where I learned how Moms who love their kids often want to protect them from things the kid doesn't actually see as a thing to be "protected from", lol (what's the acronym for "laughing while crying"?) 

I also realized that part of who I am now as a healer is also an attempt to re-create the only time she actually asked me for protection (which I was fiercely proud to do, which I saw the being asked as huge honors). I failed her & now I get to have a different outcome with my clients. I failed her but I also learned at her bedside that no matter what you promise you cannot control others, you can only control your own behavior.

So, my Mama was my first client. She taught me so many things in life, it just makes sense that she would teach me in death as well.

Happy Birthday Kate. What Is Remembered Lives.

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